This weekend I had a conversation with someone close to me and I realized I have been hiding parts of myself in order to impress other people. The irony, of course, is that they wound up being unimpressed. Which made me realize that it doesn’t serve me AT ALL to pretend to be someone I an not because either a) people will like the person and then I’m fucked because I have to continue pretending to be that person or b) they won’t like that person and I will have no idea if they would have liked the REAL me. So I might as well be myself in all my quirky, funny, stubborn, sexy, generous, insecure, bitchy, loving awesomeness. And if they don’t like it, they can kick rocks.
Going to new places (whether it’s physically, emotionally, or spiritually) is hard and scary AF. But it’s never not worth it.
I am trying to remember that this week as life pushes me in a bunch of new directions all at once. (Isn’t that ALWAYS the way??) I’m trying to take a deep breath and remember that everything works out for the best.
Every Monday, I pick a quote that resonates with me and post it as my #MondayMantra on Instagram. Follow me to be the first to see my weekly pick and all the other random stuff I share on there.
I’m still trying to wrap my brain around Sunday’s events in Orlando.
On Sunday morning, like the rest of America, I woke to the news of the shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. I was preparing to march with Planned Parenthood LA in the LA Pride parade with my son and for a brief moment, I reconsidered. and then I thought “No. Fuck that. We’re going” because I wasn’t about to let some homophobic madmen dictate our day. So we went and had a great time.
That night, watching the Tony awards and cheering on Hamilton (we are OBSESSED with the show over here), I was struck by Lin-Manuel Miranda’s sonnet when he accepted the award for Best Score. YES. YES. A million times YES.
The shooting doesn’t make sense. Very few things in this world do. But love makes sense. Helping our neighbors, supporting our gay friends and family, loving each other. That makes sense.
Last summer, I was in a relationship unlike any I had been in before. Drama-filled and absurd, each day of the relationship was like living in an episode of Empire, complete with a narcissistic asshole and trashy sidepieces. When I discovered the extent of the lies and deception (in a courtroom nonetheless – I told you this was ABSURD!), I quickly got the hell out of there.
But relationships like that can leave a lot of questions. And anger. Revenge fantasies floated through my mind like ash after a volcanic eruption. I knew I needed to do something to release the pressure. So what’s a gal to do when you want to punch a sociopathic cheating liar and his piece of trash “baby mama” in the face, repeatedly? (Side note: if you use the terms “baby mama” or “baby daddy” with any kind of pride and without irony, please reevaluate your life.) Well, if you are like me and want to avoid going to jail over two pieces of shit, you find yourself a boxing class. And quick. So that is what I did.
I love plans. They make me feel safe and in control, when I’m anything but. Still, that doesn’t stop me from planning and researching and tinkering and dotting I’s and crossing t’s.
But sometimes all the planning for the future gets in the way of moving forward.
I have been planning and plotting this blog launch for months. Writing up post ideas and mapping out an editorial calendar. And yet, for all my plans, the blog was still in “Coming Soon” mode.
Today, I decided that it was time to stop planning and start doing. And in doing, trust that everything will fall into place.
Welcome to the Juggle.